Stillness

I have always thought that stillness requires emptiness. 

Not that I even thought about it that much before, until a few months ago. 

It was simply implied that stillness equated shedding, letting go, emptying.

A few months ago I went to dance with the rhythms.

A swirl of a day, emotions running high, anticipation, excitement, fear, for millions of reasons. I REALLY needed to Dance!

And yet, we make plans only to step into the chaos of having them torn apart.

The Dance was different than I expected. 

A last minute substitute! I don't do well with subs, especially last minute!

The teacher, the music, the mood was different. Another chance to meet another part of me. 

I stepped in.

I was met with wild energy. 

Exuberant  Love for every being in that room, ecstatic with the frustrations we all shed,the dross we burned, the cosmic wave we rode. 

Pulsing, masculine, linear, limited, charged rhythm that made me taste the chaotic, feminine, wild swirling parts of me. 

Tasting the infinite, mysterious, delicious darkness of my existence. 

Different and free, I felt different and somehow free of expectations. Wildly emancipated in my own limitations. 

 A new perspective on the Dance, the Rhythms, Life. 

After all, that is why I Dance.

And something stuck with me. 

"Stillness" he said" is fullness, wholeness,completeness"

I never thought of it that way. 

I always thought stillness requires us to empty ourselves and detach from who we are. 

To become an empty vessel of stillness. 

I realized I equated stillness with emptiness. 

I was wrong.

Stillness suddenly filled with joy, mystery and intensity. Stillness filled with emotions. 

Stillness became utterly profound, vibrating with possibility. 

Stillness.

Everything, every part me, examined or still undiscovered, well known or mysterious, brightly colorful or darker than midnight was held inside. Held still, yet pulsating with intense possibility. 

Stillness. The moment before the action. 

The sweetness of timelessness, the frustration of immobility, the anticipation of opportunity, the delicious release of what could have been, all dancing together in me in a moment of infinite possibility. 

Stillness- the wholeness of existence gathered in one potent moment, ready to be born in an unpredicted, never before tracked, unknown direction. Stillness became the moment of unmanifested, unlimited possibility.

A few nights ago, I met stillness again.  A different side of it.

Stillness was clad this time in wild confusion.

Confusion of what I was experiencing, what I was feeling, what I was thinking.

Shame, desire, curiosity, fear, embarrassment, indecision, guilt. 

Everything scrambled together in one furious ball of intensity and came at me roaring, threatening to overwhelm. 

So many feelings all at once.

I felt frustration at my inability to direct my thoughts, at my confusion, at the need to think and control my emotions. 

I wanted so badly to release and empty myself of all this craziness. Of all this confusion. I couldn't comprehend. My mind fell to tiny.

I dropped to the floor in tears.

There was no relief in tears.

And as I sat there, in torment, I considered the possibility to simply hold it all. And allow it to exist together.

Inside of me.

All of those emotions.

All of the thoughts.

All of the frustration.

Just pause and sustain.

Stillness.

It didn't matter where all the thoughts came from. I suspended them in time.

It didn't matter who or what provoked the feelings. I held them without desire to control.

The frustration. I embraced it.

All of it. At once.

Holding a blazing fire ball in my hands.

Crumbled on the floor sustaining the intensity, the wilderness of my heart.

Without attempt to control.

I sat still and waited to be overwhelmed by it all. 

To be washed away. 

To Crash.

Stillness.

I rested on this moment of possibility.

Without an attachment to the outcome.

The Wave crashed without drowning me

My mind wanted me to move.  Wanted to distract. To escape

But I couldn't.

I kneeled there, allowing the rhythms of human bodies to move me.

I kneeled listening  to the groans, the breath, the screams, the stampede of feet.

I kneeled perfectly still. 

Resting on all of the emotions coursing through me.

I let them hold me. I leaned into my feelings and my confusion and let them carry  me through the moment. Eventually time started moving again.

After some time my feet found the ground. My body parts found some movement.

My breath released. 

The stillness stayed with me for a while before I re-entered this reality.

I emerged back here or in a parallel universe.

Slightly frazzled, vastly different, still confused.

Nothing had changed.

Yet everything had changed.

In just one tiny, infinite moment of Stillness.

Held

When I confront the memory of the unspeakable. 

When I open that box that has been laying dusty and forgotten all my life and I hold it staring at it in disbelief.  Something I always suspected is there, but could never touch.

Especially when that memory, the acknowledgment of the hurt that I carry, has had so much to play in the shaping of my personality. 

When that shadow of an event, or an energetic imprint has laid the foundations of who I believed I am, of my personality. And all of a sudden I see beneath it. It is a shock. An icy wave of water. I believed to be that personality,  shaped by events of the past. And if not, then who am I?

It is also a relief. 

I am not that personality and I can let that go. 

I can shed that layer of hurt or guilt or shame. And redefine the contents of myself. 

I see it as what it is. A moment. 

A moment in time. A situation,  an occupancy long forgotten I didn't know I carry with me everywhere we go. 

It could be anything. A person. A word. A conversation. 

Most often it is the lack of words. 

The lack of someone. 

The lack of safety.

The lack of of sacred space. 

The lack of being truly held. 

We all carry those imprints. 

We lug them  around constantly. 

And when all of a sudden one day I am held. Without questions, pity or advice. 

All of a sudden I find that the hurt, the lack, the abuse, be it energetic, emotional or physical, don't define me. 

They are just old bags I have forgotten to discard somewhere along the way. 

They are not to be thrown away mindlessly either. 

I have to meet them. Acknowledge and hold them. Know them for who and what they are. 

Really know and sit with them. 

Sit with them for so long it hurts.  Relive them. And no longer as something that is me.  Relive them as the Witness. 

Until I am ready to not hurt any more. 

Because the hurt, the anguish, the shame they are not mine. 

 And I need not carry them any longer.   

I am not defined by my pain. No one will give me a medal for taking all the hurt and carrying it diligently  on my shoulder.s No most likely I will simply attract someone else's displaced hurt on top of the one I already carry. 

What defines me is my capability for Joy. 

My ability to open my heart and Love beyond words. 

What defines me is who I am underneath the energetic imprints, emotional scars and physical wounds. 

What defines me is my ability to Love and Laugh. 

In that essence I am one with everyone else. 

I melt into another's heart and I am held. Just as I am. I am safe to be myself. I am safe to meet myself. And that is everything.

Everything  one could ever ask for.

Broken and damaged beyond repair. At the same time Divine, Magical and Utterly held.

Witness me

Don't say you are sorry

Don't let pity falter your gaze

I need no compassion

No comforting or advice

Just a place to sit 

With my darkness

and hear

its whispers

Allow me  a moment of weakness

that doesn't define me

Hold me

Just hold me

While I weep  rivers of  tears

Wail at the moon

And curse my own decisions

Meet me when I am down 

and don't feel sorry for me. 

Hold me

Not with compassion

or sadness

But with Joy

That you can be here with me. 

Meet me in Rapture,

With Devotion to Life 

to counter the Death in me

See me as I am

Broken and hungry

For Presence

Lonely, defiant and naked

tormented and blind to the world

of desire and judgement

Witness me

In my darkest place

Where my anguish

is the same as  yours,

Where my pain is no longer mine

But the weight of Humanity

Taken off of my shoulders. 

Meet me 

not as another

but as a part of me

embracing me

welcoming me home.

Hold me while I break free

Hold me while I break down

Share my breath 

And quietly witness my tears

They run 

Not because something is wrong

But because I am walking

Out of my prison

And I need to release my sorrow. 

Hold me while I break down 

Help me pick up the pieces 

Walk with me in the forest of fog

Where I get lost

Seeking a path

Never walked before

While I search for me 

Hold me 

Not with your arms

But your presence

Your sweet smile

And never ending song

Creating a home for me

A safe space

Where my tears are welcome

Where my pain is not all alone
My reverence received

Hold me in your heart

So I know what family feels like

So I  Feel I am Home 

Hold me

With your eyes

With your essence

Your own darkness

Rising up to meet mine

Hold me while I break down

Hold me while I break free. 

Be Human with me

Meet me where I am not where you want me to be.

See me as I am and not as who you want me to be. 

Love me as I am and not as you want me to be. 

Meet me when I am down and don't feel sorry for me, just hold me while I release my sorrow and until I Am ready to look up again.

See me at my worst. As the person I don't want to be and reflect to me that which I truly am so that I may be guided by my own light. 

Love me for who I am, love me for my darkness and all my imperfections. 

Don't try to fix me or heal me, just hold sacred space for me to search into the depths of who I truly am. 

Don't go looking for the grand things in my life and my greatest suffering and pain. 

Meet my gaze and hold it steady while I go through the daily frustrations, reminding me to breathe, reminding me to be present. 

Be human with me. Share words that have no meaning but touch the darkest, most forgotten corners of my soul. 

Share smiles and hold me while tears roll down my eyes. 

Be human with me. Forget that which makes sense and explore the Mystery, that which has not been seen yet. It is only for my eyes and yours. 

Don't ask me to show you who I am. Because I don't know. I am discovering it with you. 

Be present with me. See me. Really see me. Allow me to be witnessed. And allow me to bear witness of your own humanity. Of your own presence. 

Be human with me. Let me show you my heart and you can show me yours. 

Let's walk together, hand in hand into the dreamy forest and find together that we have been collectively dreaming and that which we thought is,has never been and that which we thought an impossible mystery is staring us straight in the eyes. 

BE with me

Human Experience: Unravelling

I invite in my life new vibrations, stripped of labels, judgements and opinion, stripped of purpose other than to open me  beyond my current  limitations.

I hope to fall in the cracks  between definitions, absolutes, and social roles and loose all that I foolishly believe I have, unlearn everything I mistakenly believe I know.

I invite experiences that strip my layers and pride, that make me look foolish in my own eyes and deprive me of my own self importance.

I look forward to new challenges. Ones  that will teach me to fall and nurture my wounds and see the world from down below, from that sensitive place full of embarrassment and disappointment.

I promise to get lost more often, for in those spaces I see glimpses of my true self.

I attract into my life new manifestations of energy, not right or wrong, not good or bad but teaching me to Love fully, without holding back.

I invite into my life human beings, those I have walked with in this lifetime and those who I am yet to come upon. It is the connection with another spirit that makes this walk worthwhile.

For those souls who have already touched my earthly experience, I hope you will come closer. I humbly pray to be able to see you with fresh eyes, free of judgement and prejudice; not carrying the weight of the past and without feeding expectations of the future, simply sharing the Fire of the Present moment.

For those who I am yet to find, I promise to meet you with an open heart and open arms, offering Love and sacred space and asking for nothing in return but to witness and acknowledge you fully, as you are.

I vow to find joy in every moment and laugh at myself more often.

I invite teachers in my life, may they be new or familiar, people or situations, present or past, from which I can gather  experience and loose the roots of the identity I have so carefully constructed.

I invite new opportunities, joyous or sad, full or laughter or tears, opening me to the Magic of the Universe.

I stand open and vulnerable to the flow of the Universe, offering no judgements and having no expectations, simply walking through this humbling and beautiful human experience, one step at a time.

Time and Magic

I have been having a problem with time lately.
Actually I have been having a problem with time for a while but in the past few weeks it has become really urgent and palpable.
It's not the lack of the time I am talking about but the mental construct of time.
That linear, ever-eluding, never ending and always chasing very constricting notion of Time.
That concept of Time is literally crushing me.

I ardently hold the belief that there are two simultaneous dimensions of time we are experiencing at all times. Yet we get stuck in one and from there on arise all these problems of duality and constnt struggle.
There is the  way the body experiences time, which is aligned with the cyclical and infinite nature of our soul. And then there is the mental construct of time- the looking at the clock and making appointments, and counting years and minutes and hours that leaves us living with no time for anything.

When actively and passionately grounded in the Body/ Soul Time, I shall call it, the Mental clock stops. It simply cannot function, because  it has nothing to latch on. It is in those moments that we experience  the Magic. And if we pay attention, if we are actively present with every breath and every beat of the heart, we can fall through the cracks of time, for each moment, each heartbeat  is the doorway to untold dimension and magical universes.
Each moment holds in itself an infinite number of possibilities. If we only look into it with seeing eyes.
And each breath we take is a doorway to an unlimited number of alternative universes. Actually, alternative is not the right word, because they all exist, all the the same time, all living, breathing and pulsating, vibrant all the time.
The challenge is to be acutely in the moment to be able to feel all this pulsating and vibrating energy and to surrender to the illogical, nonlinear, cyclical, magical power of the present moment. Each and every moment. With each and every breath.

And herein lies my challenge. Once you have tasted the freedom of floating in the moment and being touched by that Universal Magic, the linear 3D reality becomes very flat and uninspiring. And because I still exist here. And because I still have to deal, day to day, with that intricate and complex machine in my cranial cavity, called the brain, I sometimes get stuck in there.
I get literally stuck in this linear, flat, bizarre 3D world, and it is like I have been put in a stray jacket and thrown into a cell too small to fit all of my feathers. So I twist and turn and squirm trying to squeeze my self out through a keyhole.
And I hear all these vibrating, pulsating multidimensional energies whispering  my name and calling me back into them.
And I have to think hard of all the tools I have been given to free myself from that cage- breath, movement, sound, dance, closing my eyes and surrendering....
The stuckness is just another opportunity to enter into another dimension. One, I have not gained access into yet, because of my own resistance and unwillingness to explore those parts of the psyche. Because I have not yet learned to surrender. Without a fight. Yes, fighting is easy because you have the resistance to push into and to give you the sense of doing something. Surrendering is passive. Non doing. The hardest lesson yet.
Surrendering into the uncomfortable is the only way in. Letting go of control, or the illusion of control. A scary thought.... may be because there is no way back from that one. And as enticing as that sounds, when you stand at the edge of the mountain that single step forward is a whole new dimension in itself.