The abuse bucket

A little bit over a month ago, the last drop dropped into my  Abuse bucket.
I have carried my Abuse bucket all my life. Dutifully lugged it around so it can be filled and refilled and if for some reason the levels of disrespect, shame, guilt  and inadequacy ran low then I certainly would run and found someone to fill it with some kind of atrocious emotion towards myself.

So as I lay in bed, dripping crocodile tears as to why I allow myself to be treated this way, I thought I had dealt with this, I started to wonder....  I believe that I deserve to be abused. For the simple reason that that's all I have ever known.

So I didn't, and may be still believe that I do.
But why?
Rather than remove the cause for abuse at that very moment, I decided to sit with it.

Stare it down and dig deep deep down into myself where I have never dared venture.

Why?

The truth has many layers. I am still uncovering new ones.
The human psyche seems to be an endless labyrinth. The moment I think I have discovered a way out, it turns out to be a doorway to another level. At this point I am too deep to wish for the exit. And I have no desire for it, anyway.

So why do I believe so strongly that I should be abused?

I think this is not just mine. Not just my belief. Not just my dilemma.
Everyone's abuse looks somewhat different.
But we are all addicted to it in a strange and pervert way.

We don't believe to be enough.
We believe ourselves to be ugly, undeserving and lacking something.
Something that everyone else seems to have.
Except that is an illusion as well.

We are all in the same shit-hole.
And we all carry our abuse buckets as beggars's bowls for alms.

Because when someone finally gives us the abuse we so devotedly think we deserve we smile in glee.
"I was right. I am not enough" and then we can easily continue our deprived lives, punishing ourselves and hiding under false identities, treating others in the same way we want to be treated.

So in the end it doesn't matter who the abuser is and what the abuse looks like.
Until we uproot the belief that we deserve it, it will not halt.
It will shape-shift, but will continue following us not matter where we run, as a shadow.
It is our shadow, until we stop, sit with it and learn about it, nothing will change. Until we truly believe we  deserve respect and Love, until we brave the fear to show the world our true face, we will be haunted.


So the questions that beg to be asked are:
Are we willing to stop running?
Are we interested in  forsaking our miserable little lives for the discomfort of being seen?
Are we fed up with carrying on stereotypes passed on by hundreds of generations, sick of perpetuating patterns that shouldn't have been allowed to exist in the first place?

Are we willing to stand up for change? for our selves?

And what would happen if we stopped repeating that which we have heard spoken before and form a thought, a word, a sentence, a feeing all on our own?
What if we gave birth to that which hasn't been birthed before?

What if we reach so deep down inside and touch own essence, our authenticity and then hold it for the world to see?
Not as the ugly duckling seeking attention or validation, the right to existence.
But as pure, unconditional Love. As other-wordly beauty, that brings us down to our knees.
As the ultimate truth, the stands for no definitions.

So, Anger

So, anger, yes, Anger.
There is a lot to be said about anger.
Where  do I even begin?
We have been taught, that Anger is no good. That it should be controlled, repressed and curtailed as to not hurt anyone. That we should be afraid of it.
But then where do we put it? What do we do with it if we are not to express it?
How are we to control it when it threatens to annihilate our own existence.

So many emotions are swirling in the air right now. Sadness, grief, shock at the despicable. I feel them all.
But most of all I feel the Anger.
The Anger is boiling in my veins.
And I want to do nothing to curtail it or make it small.
I want to feed it. Hold it.  And sustain it.

I want to see it give birth to something. Something new. A change. A radical change.

Sometimes I feel like a revolutionary without a cause.
Sometimes I feel so small.

Sometimes I am crushed under the enormity of everything that is wrong in this world.
And my inability to change it. Yes, change the World...so silly of me.

Sometimes, I am just brought to my knees  by the beauty of humanness.

But Back to Anger.

I have started to notice that there is beauty in anger too.
Lots of it.

Pure, white seething, destruction seeking Rage.  Rage that seeks to uncover and protect the Truth.
Because it has been too long since we have stared Truth in the eye.

The Truth is the System is broken. And we are doing nothing to change it.

So Yes, I am angry about what happened in Orlando.
But I am also angry that that's what it takes for us to say something is not right.
Nothing is right! Yet may be I am a little too radical.

I am Angry that people have labels, that there are these defining lines that say I belong here and you belong there and may be I like you but you are still over there. The only definition we can try to squeeze in is HUMAN. And at this point even this is questionable.

When I love you, I don't love you because of your nationality, color, gender identity or sexual preference. I don't Love you because you went so a fancy school or have a cool job, I don't Love you because of where you buy your shoes or the brand of beer you drink. I love you because you are you. Because you make my heart sing. And YOU, your essence, cannot be fit into a word. YOU cannot be defined. ME cannot be defined.
How do you define where I end and You begin.

And this is why I am Angry. We Have exchanged our authenticity for labels and definitions.
We have lost ourselves.

We allow this broken system to run our lives and we do nothing.
We post rants and moving pictures on social media, we speak angry words, and sign petitions... and we continue our little lives just as they are. Nothing has really changed.
In a few weeks this too will subside, until the next time and the next time and the next time.... for how long?

I don't wish for Bandaids, for littles fixes here and there that cover the bigger leaks.

I want change. I want radical change.
What does that look like? I have no clue.

This is where I get lost. And I become even more Angry, because I see the problem and don't know how to fix it.
So here I am seething in Anger and at a loss for action.

But may be Anger is not all about doing and fixing. Sometimes may be Anger just wants to be witnessed and acknowledged. May be any action right now will be premature.... I don't have answers.

Only questions. And, yes that is infuriating too.

I imagine that Anger is a wild stallion. And it will run me down and trample me, unless...
Unless I grab the reins and ride it like the wind.

I don't claim I am in control but I am also not willing to shrink in fear of the anger any more.
I let the wildness, the rage, the storm carry me and show me that which needs to be witnessed.
Take me where I have not dared go before.

Because this Anger is not from yesterday. It is ancient, it old and it is embedded in our psyche.
So how long  can we pretend it is not there?

The Change  I want is not out there.
The change is in us.
That feeling of me versus the other, the separation, the defining lines, that is the wall that needs to be broken down and deconstructed. So we can all be Human together.
And may be then I will find those who have the answers to my questions. May be they were looking for the questions all along.
May be then I will know what to do with my Anger.
May be then we will know how to hold each other in authenticity.

May be when I sit and witness my Anger without Fear, then I can do the the same with yours.

Or may be I am just a incurable idealist, lost in a dream.

Become the storm

Don't brace for the storm, embrace the storm. 

Become the Storm, powerful, uncontrolled, pure

Get hurt without becoming bitter. 

Get angry without becoming vengeful

Get jealous without being offended. 

Love without expectation or condition

Find joy even if there is no one around 

Be weak in front of a crowd. 

Don't revel in how much you know or what you know

Become humble 

Recognize the existence of another

Respect another's space and decision

Loose your self- importance

Loose your mind in the now

It is the only way to find home

To become one

To be light 

Project Sagittarius

With the  glorious sun moving into the fire sign of Sagittarius, the seeker of the truth I start a new  project, or rather a new practice.

This glyph of the Archer symbolizes the desire for direction, a higher purpose, and abundance. 

Sagittarius represents  our attempt to free ourselves from man's animal nature.

I start the practice of paying close attention to my actions and identifying what comes from the heart and what comes from the Ego.

And each time I make a note and remind myself how I could have acted or expressed myself differently.

It doesn't have to be drastic, one little thing each day. Could be as simple as smiling at someone who doesn't like me, or yielding the right of way down the train when I am in a rush, not eating the last cookie in the jar, or apologizing first.

Start knowing what comes from the heart and what comes from the mind and making a conscious choice each moment.

This is my practice, this is my prayer.

Feel free to join me and share your experience

It is the small steps that make the journey.

Temple

Habits, rituals, prayers.... we all like to build a safe space somewhere where we can retreat during the storms of life.
Sometimes we forget though, that the safest space is being with ourselves.
The most sacred temple is the body that carries us on this journey, each step is a prayer and the only candle we would ever need is the flame of our own heart.

The Ancient force in us

The old vibrations of struggle no longer bring results, in fact they never did but we were to blind to see. 

The warrior mode is no longer enough. 

The fighter is just one aspect of us and that is no longer enough. 

Dig deeper, look into the deepest, darkest vortex of the soul to find its counterpart- the Priestess, the Goddess, the Magician. 

We all have it, we just put those aspects of us on the side so we can bear the hardship of life. 

Well, bearing is no longer enough!

We now need to rise above the mundane and find our song, find our joy, find our ecstasy! 

Marry the warrior and the goddess in one- our true self, inseparable from the universe!

The two counterparts, the opposites, the twin flames, they are not without, they are within, waiting for eons and eons to be united. 

Find that soft, gentle, yet powerful force in us, that knows, that feels, that summons, that runs wild. 

Summon the Mother within, the Ancient one, the Wise one, that incredible force that has been dormant for too long. 

And let the warrior hang his sword, rest his sorrow on the her shoulder and weep rivers of pain for what he has seen. 

And when the anguish is gone, he can see his clear reflection in her, for they are one and the same, all within us and all around us. 

Union

When mind and heart unite to follow one's true path a powerful union is formed.
We are no longer lured into distraction, we are no longer attached to wants and whims, we are no longer afraid of what may or may not be.
We walk the path with a light heart and a song on our lips.
We feel the power reeking through every fiber of our being.
We are as light as sound and as bright as light and no obstacle can stand in our way.
No lower vibration can withstand the strength of our will.
We trust our own wisdom and the wisdom of the Universe.

When mind and heart unite into one's true passion duality ceases to exist.
Once the mind and the heart are one we are one whole being, embracing the feminine and the masculine, the light and the dark,  power and weakness, fear and strength, the yin and the yang, within us, all working for one purpose.

A powerful union within ourselves that unites us with Infinity.

Sit with the pain

I am sitting on the edge of insanity
Riding the razor- thin line of control
Let it flow
Sit with the pain
Yours and mine
Its irrelevant
Sit with the pain
Dwell on it
Taste it
and smell it
Let it take you over the edge.
Riding wild waves of ecstasy
Painfully honest
Brutally lonely
Sit with the pain
Burn with the fire within
Disappear in the abyss of ashes
Only to rise again
With the sun.

On wings of love

I sail across the veil
On wings of love
Like night and day
I chase myself
Always longing to unite
I come and go
I see and then I'm blind
I feel and then I am numb
I know and then forget
Eternal maze of self obstruction
Can't find my place on earth
I don't belong into another world
I am the shadow of the day turning into night
The last kiss of the sun onto the ocean
I am the sunrize on a drop of dew
Eternally waiting
Eternally guarding
The traveler's soul.
Waiting for one
To help me bridge the gap
To help me lift the veil
Bathe Mother in beatiful light...

The thruth is a process

We all know ourselves, we just can't accept it yet.
The journey of the souls is not that of knowing itself- it already knows the truth.
The journey of the soul is to accept its limitations in the physical body and to work within those limitations.
We are born of light , yet in order to grow into our limitlessness we choose to come in this beautiful world and experience.
Experience joy, fear, pain, ecstasy, humiliation and anger, sadness and .... to experience everything.
As much as the body is a limitation to our endless abilities it is a great commodity.

The journey is a process.
We don't just walk down the street to pick up our package of truth and then live it.
At every step of the way we see a different part of who are, and at every step we believe that to be our true self.
The question is: How deep are we willing to go?
At each step we can stop and say: this is where I wish to reside for this life time.
Yet there is always another layer that can be peeled off, another step we can take.

Comfort is not the place where we can grow. Comfort is like a vista. We can take a breath, rest out head for a moment and look at the scenery.
Examine the landscape and see how much further we can go.
And just like the vista we think we can see the big picture... only to stop at the next place and see a completely different story.

Don't let discouragement seep through.
One scene does not negate the other, it simply lets us see more, integrate better, until we accept all that we are and remember our truth.

Cultivate power

"Cultivate power by revealing everything you kno, confessing everything you feel, showing how much you care and giving all you have"

Rob Brezny