Held

When I confront the memory of the unspeakable. 

When I open that box that has been laying dusty and forgotten all my life and I hold it staring at it in disbelief.  Something I always suspected is there, but could never touch.

Especially when that memory, the acknowledgment of the hurt that I carry, has had so much to play in the shaping of my personality. 

When that shadow of an event, or an energetic imprint has laid the foundations of who I believed I am, of my personality. And all of a sudden I see beneath it. It is a shock. An icy wave of water. I believed to be that personality,  shaped by events of the past. And if not, then who am I?

It is also a relief. 

I am not that personality and I can let that go. 

I can shed that layer of hurt or guilt or shame. And redefine the contents of myself. 

I see it as what it is. A moment. 

A moment in time. A situation,  an occupancy long forgotten I didn't know I carry with me everywhere we go. 

It could be anything. A person. A word. A conversation. 

Most often it is the lack of words. 

The lack of someone. 

The lack of safety.

The lack of of sacred space. 

The lack of being truly held. 

We all carry those imprints. 

We lug them  around constantly. 

And when all of a sudden one day I am held. Without questions, pity or advice. 

All of a sudden I find that the hurt, the lack, the abuse, be it energetic, emotional or physical, don't define me. 

They are just old bags I have forgotten to discard somewhere along the way. 

They are not to be thrown away mindlessly either. 

I have to meet them. Acknowledge and hold them. Know them for who and what they are. 

Really know and sit with them. 

Sit with them for so long it hurts.  Relive them. And no longer as something that is me.  Relive them as the Witness. 

Until I am ready to not hurt any more. 

Because the hurt, the anguish, the shame they are not mine. 

 And I need not carry them any longer.   

I am not defined by my pain. No one will give me a medal for taking all the hurt and carrying it diligently  on my shoulder.s No most likely I will simply attract someone else's displaced hurt on top of the one I already carry. 

What defines me is my capability for Joy. 

My ability to open my heart and Love beyond words. 

What defines me is who I am underneath the energetic imprints, emotional scars and physical wounds. 

What defines me is my ability to Love and Laugh. 

In that essence I am one with everyone else. 

I melt into another's heart and I am held. Just as I am. I am safe to be myself. I am safe to meet myself. And that is everything.

Everything  one could ever ask for.

Broken and damaged beyond repair. At the same time Divine, Magical and Utterly held.