So, Anger

So, anger, yes, Anger.
There is a lot to be said about anger.
Where  do I even begin?
We have been taught, that Anger is no good. That it should be controlled, repressed and curtailed as to not hurt anyone. That we should be afraid of it.
But then where do we put it? What do we do with it if we are not to express it?
How are we to control it when it threatens to annihilate our own existence.

So many emotions are swirling in the air right now. Sadness, grief, shock at the despicable. I feel them all.
But most of all I feel the Anger.
The Anger is boiling in my veins.
And I want to do nothing to curtail it or make it small.
I want to feed it. Hold it.  And sustain it.

I want to see it give birth to something. Something new. A change. A radical change.

Sometimes I feel like a revolutionary without a cause.
Sometimes I feel so small.

Sometimes I am crushed under the enormity of everything that is wrong in this world.
And my inability to change it. Yes, change the World...so silly of me.

Sometimes, I am just brought to my knees  by the beauty of humanness.

But Back to Anger.

I have started to notice that there is beauty in anger too.
Lots of it.

Pure, white seething, destruction seeking Rage.  Rage that seeks to uncover and protect the Truth.
Because it has been too long since we have stared Truth in the eye.

The Truth is the System is broken. And we are doing nothing to change it.

So Yes, I am angry about what happened in Orlando.
But I am also angry that that's what it takes for us to say something is not right.
Nothing is right! Yet may be I am a little too radical.

I am Angry that people have labels, that there are these defining lines that say I belong here and you belong there and may be I like you but you are still over there. The only definition we can try to squeeze in is HUMAN. And at this point even this is questionable.

When I love you, I don't love you because of your nationality, color, gender identity or sexual preference. I don't Love you because you went so a fancy school or have a cool job, I don't Love you because of where you buy your shoes or the brand of beer you drink. I love you because you are you. Because you make my heart sing. And YOU, your essence, cannot be fit into a word. YOU cannot be defined. ME cannot be defined.
How do you define where I end and You begin.

And this is why I am Angry. We Have exchanged our authenticity for labels and definitions.
We have lost ourselves.

We allow this broken system to run our lives and we do nothing.
We post rants and moving pictures on social media, we speak angry words, and sign petitions... and we continue our little lives just as they are. Nothing has really changed.
In a few weeks this too will subside, until the next time and the next time and the next time.... for how long?

I don't wish for Bandaids, for littles fixes here and there that cover the bigger leaks.

I want change. I want radical change.
What does that look like? I have no clue.

This is where I get lost. And I become even more Angry, because I see the problem and don't know how to fix it.
So here I am seething in Anger and at a loss for action.

But may be Anger is not all about doing and fixing. Sometimes may be Anger just wants to be witnessed and acknowledged. May be any action right now will be premature.... I don't have answers.

Only questions. And, yes that is infuriating too.

I imagine that Anger is a wild stallion. And it will run me down and trample me, unless...
Unless I grab the reins and ride it like the wind.

I don't claim I am in control but I am also not willing to shrink in fear of the anger any more.
I let the wildness, the rage, the storm carry me and show me that which needs to be witnessed.
Take me where I have not dared go before.

Because this Anger is not from yesterday. It is ancient, it old and it is embedded in our psyche.
So how long  can we pretend it is not there?

The Change  I want is not out there.
The change is in us.
That feeling of me versus the other, the separation, the defining lines, that is the wall that needs to be broken down and deconstructed. So we can all be Human together.
And may be then I will find those who have the answers to my questions. May be they were looking for the questions all along.
May be then I will know what to do with my Anger.
May be then we will know how to hold each other in authenticity.

May be when I sit and witness my Anger without Fear, then I can do the the same with yours.

Or may be I am just a incurable idealist, lost in a dream.