The abuse bucket

A little bit over a month ago, the last drop dropped into my  Abuse bucket.
I have carried my Abuse bucket all my life. Dutifully lugged it around so it can be filled and refilled and if for some reason the levels of disrespect, shame, guilt  and inadequacy ran low then I certainly would run and found someone to fill it with some kind of atrocious emotion towards myself.

So as I lay in bed, dripping crocodile tears as to why I allow myself to be treated this way, I thought I had dealt with this, I started to wonder....  I believe that I deserve to be abused. For the simple reason that that's all I have ever known.

So I didn't, and may be still believe that I do.
But why?
Rather than remove the cause for abuse at that very moment, I decided to sit with it.

Stare it down and dig deep deep down into myself where I have never dared venture.

Why?

The truth has many layers. I am still uncovering new ones.
The human psyche seems to be an endless labyrinth. The moment I think I have discovered a way out, it turns out to be a doorway to another level. At this point I am too deep to wish for the exit. And I have no desire for it, anyway.

So why do I believe so strongly that I should be abused?

I think this is not just mine. Not just my belief. Not just my dilemma.
Everyone's abuse looks somewhat different.
But we are all addicted to it in a strange and pervert way.

We don't believe to be enough.
We believe ourselves to be ugly, undeserving and lacking something.
Something that everyone else seems to have.
Except that is an illusion as well.

We are all in the same shit-hole.
And we all carry our abuse buckets as beggars's bowls for alms.

Because when someone finally gives us the abuse we so devotedly think we deserve we smile in glee.
"I was right. I am not enough" and then we can easily continue our deprived lives, punishing ourselves and hiding under false identities, treating others in the same way we want to be treated.

So in the end it doesn't matter who the abuser is and what the abuse looks like.
Until we uproot the belief that we deserve it, it will not halt.
It will shape-shift, but will continue following us not matter where we run, as a shadow.
It is our shadow, until we stop, sit with it and learn about it, nothing will change. Until we truly believe we  deserve respect and Love, until we brave the fear to show the world our true face, we will be haunted.


So the questions that beg to be asked are:
Are we willing to stop running?
Are we interested in  forsaking our miserable little lives for the discomfort of being seen?
Are we fed up with carrying on stereotypes passed on by hundreds of generations, sick of perpetuating patterns that shouldn't have been allowed to exist in the first place?

Are we willing to stand up for change? for our selves?

And what would happen if we stopped repeating that which we have heard spoken before and form a thought, a word, a sentence, a feeing all on our own?
What if we gave birth to that which hasn't been birthed before?

What if we reach so deep down inside and touch own essence, our authenticity and then hold it for the world to see?
Not as the ugly duckling seeking attention or validation, the right to existence.
But as pure, unconditional Love. As other-wordly beauty, that brings us down to our knees.
As the ultimate truth, the stands for no definitions.

Isn't it time

We have poisoned our rivers so we can trap water in plastic bottles
We have cut down forests of trees to build factories that pollute the air
We have imprisoned Mother Earth under concrete so we can go run on treadmills
We have advanced our minds so much we forgot where we come from
We have mutilated our nourishment and starved our soul
We have forgotten about healing and obsess about silencing the symptoms
We have devoted our time to being alone with a plasma screen
We have dedicated our lives to jobs we can't stand, making money to spend on things we don't need
We are raising our kids by bribes and threats
We rage against the system, yet we support it with our blood and sweat, with our precious time
We have closed our eyes to all the ills of our society so we can look towards the spiritual path of enlightenment
Where are we headed?
Spirit is not somewhere out in space awaiting us to glow like a lightbulb
Spirit is right here with us on this Earth, witnessing us tripping ourselves and scratching its head as to how long can this possibly go on for...
Isn't it time we just stopped?
No longer give our strength to that which we wish to be free from....

Temple

Habits, rituals, prayers.... we all like to build a safe space somewhere where we can retreat during the storms of life.
Sometimes we forget though, that the safest space is being with ourselves.
The most sacred temple is the body that carries us on this journey, each step is a prayer and the only candle we would ever need is the flame of our own heart.

The Ancient force in us

The old vibrations of struggle no longer bring results, in fact they never did but we were to blind to see. 

The warrior mode is no longer enough. 

The fighter is just one aspect of us and that is no longer enough. 

Dig deeper, look into the deepest, darkest vortex of the soul to find its counterpart- the Priestess, the Goddess, the Magician. 

We all have it, we just put those aspects of us on the side so we can bear the hardship of life. 

Well, bearing is no longer enough!

We now need to rise above the mundane and find our song, find our joy, find our ecstasy! 

Marry the warrior and the goddess in one- our true self, inseparable from the universe!

The two counterparts, the opposites, the twin flames, they are not without, they are within, waiting for eons and eons to be united. 

Find that soft, gentle, yet powerful force in us, that knows, that feels, that summons, that runs wild. 

Summon the Mother within, the Ancient one, the Wise one, that incredible force that has been dormant for too long. 

And let the warrior hang his sword, rest his sorrow on the her shoulder and weep rivers of pain for what he has seen. 

And when the anguish is gone, he can see his clear reflection in her, for they are one and the same, all within us and all around us. 

Union

When mind and heart unite to follow one's true path a powerful union is formed.
We are no longer lured into distraction, we are no longer attached to wants and whims, we are no longer afraid of what may or may not be.
We walk the path with a light heart and a song on our lips.
We feel the power reeking through every fiber of our being.
We are as light as sound and as bright as light and no obstacle can stand in our way.
No lower vibration can withstand the strength of our will.
We trust our own wisdom and the wisdom of the Universe.

When mind and heart unite into one's true passion duality ceases to exist.
Once the mind and the heart are one we are one whole being, embracing the feminine and the masculine, the light and the dark,  power and weakness, fear and strength, the yin and the yang, within us, all working for one purpose.

A powerful union within ourselves that unites us with Infinity.

Sit with the pain

I am sitting on the edge of insanity
Riding the razor- thin line of control
Let it flow
Sit with the pain
Yours and mine
Its irrelevant
Sit with the pain
Dwell on it
Taste it
and smell it
Let it take you over the edge.
Riding wild waves of ecstasy
Painfully honest
Brutally lonely
Sit with the pain
Burn with the fire within
Disappear in the abyss of ashes
Only to rise again
With the sun.

On wings of love

I sail across the veil
On wings of love
Like night and day
I chase myself
Always longing to unite
I come and go
I see and then I'm blind
I feel and then I am numb
I know and then forget
Eternal maze of self obstruction
Can't find my place on earth
I don't belong into another world
I am the shadow of the day turning into night
The last kiss of the sun onto the ocean
I am the sunrize on a drop of dew
Eternally waiting
Eternally guarding
The traveler's soul.
Waiting for one
To help me bridge the gap
To help me lift the veil
Bathe Mother in beatiful light...

In our duality we are whole

In our duality we are whole.
Embrace both parts of ourselves, erasing the imaginary line we have drawn to limit ourselves.
The separation only exist in the mind- labeled right and wrong, good and bad, light and dark.
In truth that line doesn't exist.
The separation doesn't exist.
The limit is only in the mind.
For one polarity can't live without the other and they are both a part of one.
Unite our oppositions, embrace our inner soulmate that we have left in exile for eons of time.
Recognize who we are, without judgement or resentment, without anger or shame.
We are already whole, we just need to look inside and accept it.

The thruth is a process

We all know ourselves, we just can't accept it yet.
The journey of the souls is not that of knowing itself- it already knows the truth.
The journey of the soul is to accept its limitations in the physical body and to work within those limitations.
We are born of light , yet in order to grow into our limitlessness we choose to come in this beautiful world and experience.
Experience joy, fear, pain, ecstasy, humiliation and anger, sadness and .... to experience everything.
As much as the body is a limitation to our endless abilities it is a great commodity.

The journey is a process.
We don't just walk down the street to pick up our package of truth and then live it.
At every step of the way we see a different part of who are, and at every step we believe that to be our true self.
The question is: How deep are we willing to go?
At each step we can stop and say: this is where I wish to reside for this life time.
Yet there is always another layer that can be peeled off, another step we can take.

Comfort is not the place where we can grow. Comfort is like a vista. We can take a breath, rest out head for a moment and look at the scenery.
Examine the landscape and see how much further we can go.
And just like the vista we think we can see the big picture... only to stop at the next place and see a completely different story.

Don't let discouragement seep through.
One scene does not negate the other, it simply lets us see more, integrate better, until we accept all that we are and remember our truth.

Hold Infinity

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the Palm of your Hand
and Eternity in an hour"

William Blake

Cultivate power

"Cultivate power by revealing everything you kno, confessing everything you feel, showing how much you care and giving all you have"

Rob Brezny