The abuse bucket

A little bit over a month ago, the last drop dropped into my  Abuse bucket.
I have carried my Abuse bucket all my life. Dutifully lugged it around so it can be filled and refilled and if for some reason the levels of disrespect, shame, guilt  and inadequacy ran low then I certainly would run and found someone to fill it with some kind of atrocious emotion towards myself.

So as I lay in bed, dripping crocodile tears as to why I allow myself to be treated this way, I thought I had dealt with this, I started to wonder....  I believe that I deserve to be abused. For the simple reason that that's all I have ever known.

So I didn't, and may be still believe that I do.
But why?
Rather than remove the cause for abuse at that very moment, I decided to sit with it.

Stare it down and dig deep deep down into myself where I have never dared venture.

Why?

The truth has many layers. I am still uncovering new ones.
The human psyche seems to be an endless labyrinth. The moment I think I have discovered a way out, it turns out to be a doorway to another level. At this point I am too deep to wish for the exit. And I have no desire for it, anyway.

So why do I believe so strongly that I should be abused?

I think this is not just mine. Not just my belief. Not just my dilemma.
Everyone's abuse looks somewhat different.
But we are all addicted to it in a strange and pervert way.

We don't believe to be enough.
We believe ourselves to be ugly, undeserving and lacking something.
Something that everyone else seems to have.
Except that is an illusion as well.

We are all in the same shit-hole.
And we all carry our abuse buckets as beggars's bowls for alms.

Because when someone finally gives us the abuse we so devotedly think we deserve we smile in glee.
"I was right. I am not enough" and then we can easily continue our deprived lives, punishing ourselves and hiding under false identities, treating others in the same way we want to be treated.

So in the end it doesn't matter who the abuser is and what the abuse looks like.
Until we uproot the belief that we deserve it, it will not halt.
It will shape-shift, but will continue following us not matter where we run, as a shadow.
It is our shadow, until we stop, sit with it and learn about it, nothing will change. Until we truly believe we  deserve respect and Love, until we brave the fear to show the world our true face, we will be haunted.


So the questions that beg to be asked are:
Are we willing to stop running?
Are we interested in  forsaking our miserable little lives for the discomfort of being seen?
Are we fed up with carrying on stereotypes passed on by hundreds of generations, sick of perpetuating patterns that shouldn't have been allowed to exist in the first place?

Are we willing to stand up for change? for our selves?

And what would happen if we stopped repeating that which we have heard spoken before and form a thought, a word, a sentence, a feeing all on our own?
What if we gave birth to that which hasn't been birthed before?

What if we reach so deep down inside and touch own essence, our authenticity and then hold it for the world to see?
Not as the ugly duckling seeking attention or validation, the right to existence.
But as pure, unconditional Love. As other-wordly beauty, that brings us down to our knees.
As the ultimate truth, the stands for no definitions.

Become the storm

Don't brace for the storm, embrace the storm. 

Become the Storm, powerful, uncontrolled, pure

Get hurt without becoming bitter. 

Get angry without becoming vengeful

Get jealous without being offended. 

Love without expectation or condition

Find joy even if there is no one around 

Be weak in front of a crowd. 

Don't revel in how much you know or what you know

Become humble 

Recognize the existence of another

Respect another's space and decision

Loose your self- importance

Loose your mind in the now

It is the only way to find home

To become one

To be light 

Isn't it time

We have poisoned our rivers so we can trap water in plastic bottles
We have cut down forests of trees to build factories that pollute the air
We have imprisoned Mother Earth under concrete so we can go run on treadmills
We have advanced our minds so much we forgot where we come from
We have mutilated our nourishment and starved our soul
We have forgotten about healing and obsess about silencing the symptoms
We have devoted our time to being alone with a plasma screen
We have dedicated our lives to jobs we can't stand, making money to spend on things we don't need
We are raising our kids by bribes and threats
We rage against the system, yet we support it with our blood and sweat, with our precious time
We have closed our eyes to all the ills of our society so we can look towards the spiritual path of enlightenment
Where are we headed?
Spirit is not somewhere out in space awaiting us to glow like a lightbulb
Spirit is right here with us on this Earth, witnessing us tripping ourselves and scratching its head as to how long can this possibly go on for...
Isn't it time we just stopped?
No longer give our strength to that which we wish to be free from....

Project Sagittarius

With the  glorious sun moving into the fire sign of Sagittarius, the seeker of the truth I start a new  project, or rather a new practice.

This glyph of the Archer symbolizes the desire for direction, a higher purpose, and abundance. 

Sagittarius represents  our attempt to free ourselves from man's animal nature.

I start the practice of paying close attention to my actions and identifying what comes from the heart and what comes from the Ego.

And each time I make a note and remind myself how I could have acted or expressed myself differently.

It doesn't have to be drastic, one little thing each day. Could be as simple as smiling at someone who doesn't like me, or yielding the right of way down the train when I am in a rush, not eating the last cookie in the jar, or apologizing first.

Start knowing what comes from the heart and what comes from the mind and making a conscious choice each moment.

This is my practice, this is my prayer.

Feel free to join me and share your experience

It is the small steps that make the journey.

Temple

Habits, rituals, prayers.... we all like to build a safe space somewhere where we can retreat during the storms of life.
Sometimes we forget though, that the safest space is being with ourselves.
The most sacred temple is the body that carries us on this journey, each step is a prayer and the only candle we would ever need is the flame of our own heart.